Self control

Updated: Jul 7, 2021

I love to masturbate. I love to edge myself for hours, sometimes days, feeling and pulling my erotic energy around my body. Building myself up and up until I find that beautiful moment of release. I love to watch as my warm cum spills, shoots or oozes out of my cock.

It always feels fantastic, blissful.

I love to edge a sexual partner; building them up, moving their energy around. When I am invited into experiencing their release I see it as one of the most beautiful things I have ever known.


I have loved the feel, the smell, the taste, the sight of cum since I first discovered it one evening in my bathtub so many years ago. What was this feeling, this release? What was this enticing substance? ( Not to date me, but this was way before the internet when discovering self, sex, and touch was still a mysterious part of life.)

During my COVID STUDIO PROGRAM ( what I am now calling this past year, which I spent alone in my art studio ), I spent a good portion of my time in masturbatory bliss. One day as I reached for my Albolene lotion ( the best jerk off lube in the world ), I had a moment of clarity.

After my wank was complete, I began to ponder how since the age of 11, this pattern was a part of my pretty much daily routine. Masturbation, sexual thoughts, sex, visions of cocks have always danced in my mind's eye.

Over the past 15+ years of investigating awareness, I always come to the idea of life force in studying Touch, Yoga, and Body Awareness. It is everywhere, Prana and Apana, Chi, Yin, and Yang. For years now I have floated in and out of contemplating one of the Yamas

( social/ethic principals ) of Ashtanga Yoga, Brahmacharya - The moderation of Life Force.

Did this Brahmacharya mean no sex, no sensuality, no more CUM? If so, this was not for me. So I decided to explore "Tantra," the conscious control of this energy, and all would be well.

Then one day, well, to be specific, 31 days ago I had a Hmmmmmmmm moment. Was I, Brian R, capable of consciously controlling sexual energy? Attraction, the most potent and powerful force in the universe, was something I could manage/control?


So I stopped. I stopped edging, I stopped visualizing cocks and sensual experiences, I stopped seeking cum and the pleasure I had found for the last 38 years. I broke a pattern, and I stopped. Now 31 days in, something beautiful is happening.

On that first day of this current Brahmacharya experiment aka, ( no building of sexual arousal or release of life force energy, cumming.) I was eager to see how long it would go? How long I could last?

I was busy setting up my new wellness center for its return, so I had plenty of things to keep me distracted. I consciously stepped away from my sexual trigger, aka my masturbation and sex spaces, my go-to hook-up buddies, my partner ( both with clear discussion ), my Grinder/Scruff, internet Porn, ManHunt, etc, etc. You know them well, the consumer sexy industry of distraction.

As the days went by, my moderation of Life force energy began to manifest in exciting ways, to my utter surprise. Things were flowing clearer, my thoughts, especially my ability to make connections between things I had been studying and pursuing for years, all started to fall into place.

A clarity manifested in me like nothing I had ever experienced before. In the paraphrased, however, not with greater clarity, words of the TANTRIC MASTER OSHO, -When one stops the ACTIVITY of life ( activity being unnecessary things ) the dust caused by all the commotion settles, and one finds that they are already and always have been in a state of clarity-. And Yogi BJ statement -There are two paths in life that of commotion and the of devotion, both can get you there however one is full of unnecessary activity, the other is blissful-

So with that day 32 begins, and all I can offer is this,

Try to see something about yourself today, discover its pattern, shine a light of awareness on it and contemplate what may happen if you attempt to shift it. You may be surprised at the results.

Photo: Brian Riley 2010, Him, Canal Sreet Studio 3. available for purchase in various sizes.

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